Kristyn Morgan

These words haunt me:

“Sis. Morgan, I wish I had a perfect family like you.”

On this Sunday when my friend turned to me and spoke that sentence, I was floored.

In that moment, I felt a great sense of shame. I realized that in my unwillingness to be open and vulnerable, I had allowed others, including this sweet woman, to think that my life and family were perfect. Not only that, but my actions (though unintentional) had contributed to her feeling that she was alone in her struggles.

We have a loneliness epidemic in our country. A 2023 study found that 60% of adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely. That means that the majority of your ward members, neighbors and family members currently feel a lack of connection.

Quite simply, they feel alone.

How much of this is because you are afraid to let your real self show?

This is the question I asked myself those many years ago. With that something miraculous began to occur:

I found that by letting down my guard, the number of people I count as friends grew.

I began to see that by sharing more and hiding less, I could create connection, and decrease loneliness in those around me.

Most of all I found that there was freedom in being real, and power in fostering inclusion and banishing isolation.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:

 “In a world that is increasingly disconnected, we must reach out to those who are struggling in loneliness”.

We have a loneliness problem, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

It starts by being open. It starts by letting others see you-the good AND the bad, the easy AND the difficult.

It starts by being REAL.

Well, I’ve arrived in the land of milk and honey. 

Or more accurately, the land of soda shops and cookie stores. 

Why have we moved to Utah you ask? The short answer is, I’m not entirely sure. But let me share the longer answer with you…

For about the last 5 years I have been searching for what is next. Who am I now that my kids are grown and gone? Where do I belong, and how can I serve? 

And like most great ideas in my life, the answer came as I was stepping out of the shower:

“The reason you can’t figure out what you are supposed to be doing is because it’s not here. It’s in Utah.”

What????

Honestly, this idea–this revelation–terrified me. I mean, I’ve never thought of myself as a Utah girl. (My eyelashes are way to sparse for that title). But I knew, with absolute certainty, that Utah is where we needed to be.

So here we are. And it’s weird and it’s different and it still makes little sense, but, it’s right.

Sometimes in life we have to take big leaps. We have to do what’s difficult or uncomfortable because standing still means going backwards.

And I don’t want to go backwards. I want to learn and grow and become the person that HE wants me to be. I want to lift and love and serve and LIVE.

Even if (especially if) it means doing that in Utah.

Six months. Six months since my mom died. 

I find death to be such a strange experience, and wholly unique to the individual. I can’t speak for others, but I’m taking this six month “anniversary” (is that what it is?) to share what I’ve felt, what I’ve learned, and where I go from here.

The idea of my mom actually dying has filled me with dread ever since I was a little girl. I have this vivid memory of laying in bed one night when I was probably 7 or 8 years old and realizing for the first time that my parents were going to die someday. I remember jumping up and running to my mom crying about this new revelation, to which she looked at me calmly and said “yep-we’re all going to die one day and that’s ok.”

Guess what? 

She was right.

But needless to say as time went on, and particularly over the last few years as I saw my mom’s health declining, I became more and more worried about the inevitable event of her passing. Mom and I were/are close. We talked often and went to lunch every Tuesday for probably the last 15 years. We’ve never had any big arguments or disagreements and for that I’m grateful (though I think that’s probably atypical). I say all this so you understand a little bit about WHY I was so worried about her dying.

Who would I go to for advice?

What would family events look like?

How would my dad do?

How would I handle it??

Here is what I have learned:

1. I miss her every day, but not in a terribly sad way, but in a strange “I can’t believe she is dead” sort of way. (Seriously, almost every day either Dave or I say “I can’t believe Mom is dead”.” It’s the oddest feeling.) People ask how I’m doing and I answer “fine”–which is the truth. I’m not overcome with emotion or distraught with grief, but it’s just…weird. I mean one day a person is here and the next, they aren’t. It takes some getting used to. Almost every day I find myself going to text or call her, and then I realize she probably already knows whatever it is I was going to share with her anyway, but I throw a prayer up to Heaven just to keep her in the loop.

2. Her death has brought my family closer. I have a great family and we all get along. But grief has a way of bringing people together. We text and talk more. We coordinate “taking care of Dad” (and I use that term loosely because my Dad is handling things like a champ). One of the sweetest memories I have of the last six months is the day we spent saying goodbye to Mom and the hours following. There is beauty in death.

3. I can do hard things. Perhaps because I was so fearful of this happening it was almost a relief when it did. Because then you just take a big breath and say “Alright. I can handle this.” And you move forward. When I look back to the several weeks surrounding Mom’s death I wonder how we managed it–and then I realize that we weren’t alone. The Savior was with us and sent angels, both earthly and heavenly, to help.

4.. I know with a surety that I WILL see her again. Not “I hope to see her again.” Not “I’m telling myself so I can manage.” I 100% know that I will see her again. I honestly can’t imagine navigating death if you didn’t know this. It would be devastating. Not to trivialize this serious subject but the best way I can describe how I feel is that my mom is on a long vacation and when she gets back, we will catch up. Basically, that’s Heaven right? That knowledge is beautiful and freeing and available to all.

I’m grateful for these last six months. For the growth in the midst of trials. For the lessons learned. For the affirmation that life exists beyond this one and that we can be with our loved ones forever. Forever! What peace that gives, and how blessed I am to know it.

Motivation is a pesky concept to nail down. We know what it is, we have hope for where it can lead, but we can’t always seem to find it. Then because we can’t seem to find it we feel guilty, which on occasion leads to forward progress, but more often than not has quite the opposite effect. Perhaps one of the following scenarios sound familiar:

• You have a list a mile long that seems insurmountable so instead of tackling it you’re on your couch in your pjs because the second season of “Cheer” just dropped and you HAVE to find out if Navarro holds onto the title or if they are toppled by the evil TVCC down the road? 

• Yesterday was a super productive day where you conquered your enormous to-do list, got your work out in and served your fellow man, but it’s today has devolved into mindless tortilla chip eating while scrolling through social media.

• You want to get healthy, you know you’ll feel better if you do, but you’ve read 999 different books, articles, and IG posts about the “right” way to do it and they are in direct conflict with each other. “Bread is the root of all evil!” “Eat ONLY grains. Meat will kill you!” “Diet Coke is….(well, let’s just leave Diet Coke out of it, shall we?) So instead of making a plan you are so overwhelmed that you give up and take a 2 hour nap.

Chasing motivation can be exhausting. Finding it is elusive. Instead let’s take “getting motivated” out of the equation and shift the focus to getting unstuck by asking 2 simple questions and then digging a little deeper:

QUESTION #1: HOW DID I SPEND MY LAST HOUR?

Remove judgement–the past is behind you and it can’t be changed, but it can give you some good data to work off of. Take the emotion out of it and consider what you can learn from the last 60 minutes. Dig deeper by asking:

• Am I happy with how I spent the last 60 minutes?
• Did it fill my emotional cup?
• Did it move me closer to my goals?  

If the answer to these questions is yes, then fantastic! You’re headed in the right direction. If the answer is no, that’s OK! Take a minute to figure out why you were unhappy with the last hour. Consider asking the following:

• Was I buffering (avoiding) a necessary task?
• Am I stuck because I have “perfection paralysis”? 
• Are my expectations realistic? If not, how can I reframe them?

QUESTION #2: HOW WILL I SPENT MY NEXT HOUR?

The beauty of the future is that it isn’t written yet! Starting NOW you get to choose how you spend the next 60 minutes. It’s a clean slate waiting to be filled and thanks to question #1 you have some great information to work off of. Analyze what that information means for your goals and decide accordingly, using some of these questions to find your answer:

• What is one small step I can take right now?
• How can I make my expectations more realistic?
• What will be my priorities be for the next 60 minutes? (Set the intention).
• How do I want to feel when the hour is up? 

Simplifying the process by asking these 2 questions and then digging a little deeper can help you overcome the overwhelm and propel you to positive action which will yield positive results. Your future is not yet written and change is possible regardless of your previous pattern of behavior.

In the meantime, be gentle on yourself, learn from the past and look forward to the future with faith (and maybe a Diet Coke.)

 

A number of years ago I looked around my home at the chaos that raising 6 kids had created. Goldfish crackers on the couch, discarded socks, a pile of shoes by the door, dishes in the sink left over from baking cookies the night before and taking center stage were props we were creating for an upcoming high school production. On a whim, I turned on my camera to record the state of affairs and uploaded the video to Instagram. The caption read “Keeping It Real”.

I learned something in that moment. My baring it all for the world (or my small number of IG friends) to see was freeing. But more importantly, it was freeing for other people. Almost within seconds I was getting comments and messages from other moms saying, “thank you! My house looks just like this!” It’s as if by showing 60 seconds of real life, I allowed space for admitting that life is messy. It’s imperfect. It’s real, and often, it’s pretty mediocre.

We live in a world full of big ideas. Constantly, we are encouraged to be better, live larger, dare more, reach higher. All are great concepts, but I fear that when taken in the aggregate they can produce the opposite results of what we want, or more importantly what is healthy for us. Too often perfection (or the pursuit of it) looms over us and instead of becoming better, we feel we are falling behind, missing out, or not measuring up. What if instead of trying to look, act, or be perfect, we instead embraced the mediocre?

At this point, some of you probably want to stop reading. You wouldn’t be the first. In fact, years ago I was asked to write an article on raising children for a parenting website. I titled it “Mediocrity, Let’s Celebrate.” The editors hated it.  Their feedback stated, “While we love the article, we don’t think the title is the type of message we want to send to our readers.” I was disappointed but I understood. The concept of mediocrity isn’t inspiring. It’s not sexy. It’s certainly not popular. But, what if, by understanding it, it allows for the freedom to let go of perfection and to let real life in? What if by recognizing that we will be great at very few things, but good enough at loads of others, we create space for adventure, compassion and grace for ourselves and others? What if by “keeping it real” we become better parents, spouses, friends, citizens and human beings?   

I’m going to dive into this idea of “keeping it real.” I hope that by doing so I learn more about myself and others. Perhaps in the messy, mundane, everyday life, great joy and purpose it to be found. I hope you join me.

Mediocrity—Let’s Celebrate!

As a mom do you ever feel like a flight attendant on a plane that’s about to go down? Chaos is happening all around you, people are panicking, nobody knows what to do and you’re standing up shouting:

“You know Mom, some people think we are crazy for being Mormon”.

As a life long member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints–what some mistakenly refer to as “the Mormon Church”–I’m no stranger to this sentiment that my daughter expressed one night while watching an episode of Dateline.  (What is it about me and Dateline?  And why does every murder happen in the state of Florida??)  But I digress…I’m fully aware that our religion can seem strange to others and that’s evident by the types of questions I get asked:

“Do you wear magic underwear?”  (Uh–no…I don’t believe my underwear has magical properties but I guess it would be kind of cool if it did.)

“Does your husband have more than one wife?”  (Nope–I’m plenty for him plus where would we put another wife??)

“Why don’t you believe in birth control?”  (Actually, if we DIDN’T believe in it I’d have like 20 kids by now thanks to my fertile womb.)

“Why is Coca Cola evil?” ( It’s not.  Diet Coke might be the greatest invention ever and anyone who thinks otherwise is missing out.  I drink Diet Coke, eat chocolate and am known to pop a couple of Excederin on occasion.)

Truth be told, I welcome these kinds of questions because I’d much rather someone ask me and get the real answer than find some crazy answer on Reddit threads.  It’s like my husband says, “if I had a question about Jews I wouldn’t ask a Catholic, I’d ask a Jew!”  So questions are good–even the weird ones.

But out of all those questions one that I am rarely asked is WHY am I a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?  It seems to me that’s the real question on people’s mind–either because they are actually curious or because they think I’m a little crazy, but regardless I thought I would share my top reasons I claim this faith:

REASON #1:  WHEREVER YOU GO THERE IS ALWAYS A CHURCH FAMILY

This is 100% true.  It does not matter if you live in Cleveland or Zimbabwe, you will find a Latter Day Saint congregation and they will be an automatic built in family.  My son who served a mission in Brazil remarked how wherever he went he would find the latino version of someone from his ward (that’s LDS speak for “congregation”) back home.  Need help moving into your new area?  Call the Bishop and a crew of youth and men with trucks will be there to help you unload and will smile while doing it.  Need a babysitter?  No problem–call the Young Women’s President and she will give you at least six teenage girls who will be glad to help, and smile while doing it.  Sickness or death?  There will be a week’s worth of dinners provided by your ward family, all delivered with that smile.  We not only take care of our own, but our neighbors as well–and we smile while doing it.

REASON #2:  NEED SOMETHING?  I CAN FIND IT!

Thanks to the vast network of church members we almost always know someone that has what you need.  No joke.  Need a plumber, electrician, mechanic or doctor?  I can find you one with about 10 minutes notice.  (A neighbor recently ran me down to say “I know you’re Mormon and Mormons always know everyone and I need a concrete guy–who do you suggest?”)  Need a Santa for a work party or a Princess for your 5 year old’s birthday?  I’ve got just the people.  How about a chocolate fountain for a wedding reception.  Heck–I can find EVERYTHING you need for a reception  AND pull it together with a week’s notice!  We are a resourceful people, we are.  (And really good at planning quick weddings.)

REASON #3:  I CAN LEARN ANY SKILL

It is 100% true that nearly every skill or talent I’ve learned has come from my association with the church.  We have a strong belief in education of any sort and many of our sermons, classes, youth activities, and studies center on developing new skills and talents.  Some examples:

*organizing a home
*keeping family records
*budgeting/estate planning
*planning events
*running organizations
*sewing
*cooking (notice I said I learned these things–I don’t always practice them…)
*improving my relationship with my spouse
*parenting skills
*public speaking
*how to fix a vacuum
*how to change a tire
*how to use EXCEL
*painting/decorating
*how to deal with anxiety/depression
*helping loved ones with addictions
*diet and exercise
*dance and singing
*playing a musical instrument
*appreciation for the arts
*assertiveness and confidence
*crafts of every kind  (seriously–SO many crafts…)

This doesn’t even scratch the surface but you get the idea.  If I want to learn it I guarantee I can find a class, talk, lesson or church member to teach me.

REASON #4:  IT’S TRUE

Sure, all of the above reasons are nice perks to being a member of the church, but the bottom line, is this:  I know it’s true.  Not just “think”.  I’m not just “pretty sure”.  It’s not just because “I grew up this way.”  Nope–those things won’t carry you through in this religion that frankly, requires quite a bit of you.  I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints because I know, with all the surety in the world, that this is right and true. Perhaps you think I’m deceived. Perhaps you think I’m misguided. Or perhaps you think, like my daughter said, “you’re crazy.” I’m ok with that because I know what I know and I’m blessed to know it.  I’ve seen the blessings that come from living it and the growth I experience because of it.  I feel it in the sweet moments of Sunday worship and service but perhaps more importantly when on my knees in the depths of despair.  I’ve read and studied and pondered and asked God if it’s true and he told me with all the certainty in the world that it is.

*if you have questions about the Mormon church feel free to ask me or find answers at https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist

           

Let me tell you a story…It’s a story of a group of people who in times of crisis came together to answer prayers, including mine…

As I write this we are on day 46 (?) of our quarantine due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Pandemic–the fact that this word is part of our everyday vocabulary is crazy to me, but here we are. It’s affected nearly every aspect of our lives and each day as I look at an empty calendar and go on my near silent nightly walk, I am struck by just how drastically life can change. School is finished for the rest of the year, Kennedy’s play (which she would have shined in) was cancelled (along with everything else) and Dave’s work has drastically slowed. Mine is non-existent. To say things are unsettling would be an understatement. Not just for us, but for everyone.

Dave and I often talk about the idea that trials in our life make us stronger. It’s not a new concept and we’ve seen it play out for us and our family. Heck, Dave even wrote a book  about it!  Perhaps it’s because of those instances in our life that when this quarantine hit I decided we had to find some good to come of it.

It started in the form of sewing a few face masks.

Thanks to my near olympic ability to scroll for hours through Facebook I knew that there seemed to be some sort of need regarding face masks. I just had this feeling that I needed something to do and somewhere to channel my energy and serve so I rummaged through my meager craft supplies and then hit up my good friend Debra and my sister, Melinda and got to sewing. A few days later and a few FB posts later I found some friends that needed face masks and I found as I worked I was less worried, less stressed and a little happier.

Enter Pizza Hut. (Lisa Oliverio, I’m talking to you.)

Lisa, a big-wig in the Pizza Hut scene (and generous employer of many Morgan boys, for which we can’t thank her enough) saw one of my posts and said she could use 200 face masks. 200! Now anyone that knows me knows that there is something about a big, seemingly impossible number that makes me…determined. (Who remembers the TP event of 2018??) Luckily, I have good friends who are in tune with promptings and this time was no different.

Barbara Rogers was on it.

As the head of our women’s organization at church she had been looking for a service project for the women and their friends to participate in. (Also, she took pity on me and probably knew that given my meager sewing skills it was going to take me a looooong time to sew 200 face masks.) The woman was inspired because a day or so later “The SEWcial Distancing Club” was born. (name credit goes to Parker Morgan and thank heavens because Dave proposed calling it “I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Face Masks”).

If anyone is wondering about the power of a FB group, let me tell you about ours. Within a day or so we had 100 members. (We are now approaching 500!)  Friends and friends of friends who wanted to help. From the start we have been amazed to see women (and a few men) join the call to action. They have donated supplies, cut fabric, assembled packets and sewn and delivered face masks. How many you ask?

5426 as of this morning.

You read that right–over 5000 face masks which have been donated to over 50 organizations in our local community. Hospitals, clinics, assisted living homes, schools, homeless shelters, businesses, historical societies, and more. In fact, soon the entire Vancouver Police Department will be sporting masks from this group! And as we have worked we have seen miracles.

Our members tell us that their anxiety is removed. They report that their depression is lifted. Our club members talk about having a sense of community at a time when we are all isolated at home. Families are working together. Couples are delivering supplies and finished products. We hear stories of sisters cleaning out their mother’s hope chest after her passing and finding brand new white sheets to donate to our cause because “it is what our mother would have wanted”. Neighbors are cutting up their very own shirts to use as fabric because they want to contribute. Treats and supplies, and even dinner shows up on our door step right when they are needed. We are blessing the lives of the recipients of these masks but in the process, we are seeing that the true blessing comes to us that are serving.

If you have followed my blog you know that I’ve been struggling for a while to find my “purpose”. After 28 years the last of our six children leaves home next year . I’ve prayed and prayed to know how to use my talents for a greater good. To find a way to feel fulfilled, but really to just contribute to the world at large.

This has been an answer to prayers. It’s a testament to me that God is mindful. It’s a reminder to me that He uses others to answer those pleas. I understand a little better about patience and “waiting on the Lord”. And I’ve learned that people are good. So very good. For that, I am so very thankful.

And that goal of 200 face masks? Well, we’ve adjusted it a bit. 10,000 here we come!

*If you would like to join our cause (or even just follow our adventure) you can find us at:
SEWcial Distancing Club

Dave’s Book: My God Hath Been My Support